You know that sinking feeling when you’re pouring your heart out to your partner, only to realize they’re scrolling through their phone? Or when you’re trying to share something important, and they interrupt with a completely unrelated story about their day?
You are not alone. Like many others, chances are you’ve felt invisible in your relationship from time to time. Your words may feel like they’re bouncing off a brick wall instead of reaching the person you love most.
Communication breakdowns happen in even the strongest relationships, and feeling unheard is one of the most painful experiences partners face. The good news? There are research-backed strategies that can transform how you and your partner connect.
Signs Your Partner Isn’t Really Listening
Before we dive into solutions, let’s identify what poor listening actually looks like. Sometimes we sense something’s off but can’t quite put our finger on it. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward addressing them.
Physical Signs of Tuning Out
Is your partner present and available for interaction? Watch your partner’s body language during conversations. Are they making eye contact, or are their eyes darting around the room? Do you feel completely invisible when you’re trying to talk to your partner? Watch for signs that your partner is physically turning away from you. This might look like continuing to watch TV, typing on a laptop, or scrolling through their phone.
Or perhaps they are not in a good mindset to interact. Notice physical signs such as tapping their fingers impatiently or maintaining a closed-off posture with crossed arms. These behaviors signal that their attention is elsewhere, even if they’re nodding along.
All communication in a relationship is affected by the mindset and the context. So instead of becoming frustrated, consider accepting your partner’s lack of availability or interest.
Verbal Clues That Reveal Inattention
Once you are interacting with your partner, it helps to listen to how your partner responds during conversations. Frequent interruptions are a dead giveaway—they’re so focused on what they want to say next that they’re not processing your words. Maybe they give minimal responses like “uh-huh,” “sure,” or “okay” without asking follow-up questions or showing genuine interest in what you’re sharing.
Another red flag is abruptly changing the subject. You might be sharing something vulnerable about your day, and suddenly they’re talking about weekend plans or something they saw on social media. This pattern shows they’re not engaged or present in the conversation.
Emotional Disconnection
Perhaps the most painful signs are emotional cues that show your partner’s lack of interest or engagement in the conversation. When you share something important and your partner responds with defensiveness or dismissiveness, it creates a wall between you. They might roll their eyes, sigh heavily, or respond with phrases like “Here we go again” or “You’re being too sensitive.”
Lack of emotional presence may not be mean spirited. Your partner’s emotional unavailability may stem from them feeling overwhelmed or triggered, but it leaves you feeling invalidated and unimportant.
The Difference Between Hearing and Listening
Here’s something crucial to understand: hearing and listening are completely different. Hearing is passive. It’s the physical process of sound waves hitting your eardrums. Your partner might hear every word you say but if they are not listening, your communication will not be successful.
Listening, on the other hand, is active and intentional. It requires focus, empathy, and genuine engagement with your words, as well as the emotions behind them. When someone truly listens, they’re trying to understand your perspective, not just waiting for their turn to speak.
Why Partners Stop Listening
Understanding why your partner may not be able or willing to listen can help you approach the problem with more compassion and effectiveness. Most of the time, it’s not because they don’t care about you. There are usually deeper issues at play.
Overwhelm and Daily Stress
Life has a way of depleting our emotional resources. Your partner might come home mentally exhausted from work, worried about finances, or stressed about family obligations. When we’re overwhelmed, our capacity to be fully present shrinks dramatically.
One partner may desperately need connection and conversation after a long day, while the other needs quiet time to decompress. Neither approach is wrong, but without understanding each other’s needs, it creates frustration on both sides.
The Gottman Concept of “Flooding”
Dr. John Gottman’s research identified a phenomenon called “flooding”: when someone becomes so overwhelmed during conflict that they literally can’t process information effectively. Their heart rate spikes, stress hormones flood their system, and their ability to listen shuts down as a protective mechanism.
When someone is flooded, they might appear checked out, defensive, or even hostile. They’re not choosing to ignore you; their nervous system has essentially hijacked their ability to engage. This is why timing and approach matter so much in difficult conversations.
Shutting Down or Tuning Out
Sometimes poor listening develops as a response to negative communication patterns. If previous conversations have involved criticism, blame, or conflict, your partner might have learned to tune out as a form of self-protection.
Think about it: if every time you bring up certain topics, it leads to an argument, your partner’s brain starts associating your attempts at communication with stress and conflict. They begin shutting down before the conversation even starts, creating a frustrating cycle where you feel unheard and they feel attacked.
Different Communication Styles
We all have unique ways of processing and expressing information. Some people are direct and want to get straight to the point, while others need more context and emotional processing time. Some prefer to think before speaking, while others think out loud.
When partners have mismatched communication styles, it can feel like you’re speaking different languages. The indirect communicator might feel rushed and unheard, while the direct communicator feels frustrated by what seems like unnecessary detail.
Unresolved Conflicts Create Barriers
Lingering resentments and unresolved issues create invisible barriers to effective listening. When trust has been damaged or when there are ongoing frustrations, it becomes much harder to approach conversations with openness and curiosity.
Your partner might have stopped listening because they don’t feel safe being vulnerable, or because they’re still hurt from previous interactions. These emotional wounds need healing before genuine listening can resume.
The Gottman Method for Better Listening
Now let’s get into the practical strategies that can transform your communication. The Gottman Method offers time-tested techniques that have helped millions of couples reconnect and feel heard in their relationships.
The Speaker-Listener Technique
This structured approach might feel formal at first, but it’s incredibly effective for breaking negative communication patterns. Here’s how it works:
Choose one person to be the speaker and one to be the listener first. Don’t worry, you’ll switch roles halfway through. As the listener, be sure not to interrupt the speaker, even if you disagree with what they’re saying!
The Speaker’s Role: When you’re the speaker, focus on sharing your perspective using “I” statements. Instead of saying “You never listen to me,” try “I feel disconnected when we don’t have focused time to talk.” Share your thoughts and feelings without attacking or blaming your partner.
The Listener’s Role: As the listener, your only job is to understand and reflect back what you heard. You might say, “What I heard you say is that you feel disconnected when we don’t have focused conversation time. Is that right?”
Don’t defend, don’t problem-solve, don’t share your own perspective yet. Just focus on understanding and validating your partner’s experience.
Why This Works: This technique slows down communication and creates safety. The speaker feels heard because they can share without interruption, and the listener isn’t triggered into defensiveness because they’re not being attacked or blamed.
Emotional Connection Through the ATTUNE Model
The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of emotional connection through what they call the ATTUNE model:
Awareness – of your partners feeling and experience
Tolerance – that there are two different valid viewpoints for negative emotions
Turning Toward – recognizing your partner’s need and turning toward it
Understanding – attempting to understand your partners’ experience and their perspective
Non-defensive Listening – listening to your partner’s perspective without concentrating on victimizing yourself or reversing the blame
Empathy – responding to your partner with an understanding, awareness, and sensitivity to their experience and needs
Final Thoughts
Feeling unheard in your relationship can be painful and isolating. When your partner doesn’t listen to you, it can lead to feelings of resentment and increased relationship conflict. It might be easy to tell yourself ‘it doesn’t matter’ or self deprecating thoughts like ‘what I have to say isn’t important’ but it does matter and is important, and it can get better. So instead of giving in to feelings of discontent and entering a negative conflict cycle with your partner, use these Gottman tools to improve your communication with your partner. In the process you will improve your relationship and your own health and wellbeing.
Reviewed by: Dr. Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD
Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and Founder of The Center for Relationships in Austin, TX. Vagdevi has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, coach, and educator who taught graduate students and professionals at University of Texas and St. Edward’s University in Austin. She is a Senior Certified Gottman Therapist and Approved Clinical Trainer. For the past 20 years, Vagdevi has been facilitating the Art & Science of Love Workshop Gottman retreat for couples in Austin and around the US and has taught all 3 levels of the Gottman professional trainings and coached clinicians from around the world on this method.
